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  • Writer's pictureDiane Alvarado

Heartbreak part 2- Moving on after the break-up

Ah...the pain of heartbreak. Is there anything that hurts more, lingers more and haunts us more? We've all suffered from heartbreak at one time or another in our lives. If that happened to you, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If the love of your life chose to walk away from you, you are no-doubt in mourning. Your heart is shattered, your dream of your future life together comes crumbling down, leaving you heartbroken and confused. How could the person you thought you would spend forever with just call it quits and walk away? Some, after many years of being together. If this was you, or someone close to you, then read on.

When heartbreak invasively enters your life, there is always a reminder of it's presence. It's there when you wake up in the quiet morning. It's there throughout the day in your thoughts. It's there when you are driving around, looking at familiar places. Its there during every holiday. It's there at your favorite restaurant that created and holds so many memories. It's there on the TV in your favorite shows. It's at the movie theater. It's on the radio, in pretty much every country song you listen to...

I wish I could give you a perfect answer of why the person you loved walked away from you. I wish I could take your tears away when you cry yourself to sleep every night wondering what went wrong. I wish I could make all of your pain go away, but that is not going to heal your heart. It won’t answer your questions. It won’t bring her/him back and it won’t make everything okay at this moment.

But there are a few things I do want to share with you right now...

Things I want you to hold onto during your tearful nights and your lonely days.

First, it’s not your fault that things turned out the way they did and I'll tell you why.

There’s many things you can control in this life but you can’t control how another person thinks, acts, or feels. Don’t for a minute think that you did something wrong, because even if you did, if the person was truly in love with you, they would have worked it out with you and not walked away.

Second, it’s hard to realize it at the moment, but God loves you. He always has and He always will. Sometimes He allows people to be removed from our lives so our walk with Him will become stronger. Even if at the moment it hurts. Even if at the moment the last thing you want to do is to run into His arms and cry out to Him for help.

Why He allowed someone in your life for just a season instead of the lifetime you hoped for I don’t know. But God thinks that person belongs in your past now and not in your future. He has something else in store for you and for some reason, that person won’t belong in it. Even if they seemed perfect. And if it's God's will for Him to circle this person back into your life in the future, then that's up to Him. There is a possibility that you both need to find out who you are in Christ as individuals, before you can find your love in Christ together as a couple. Right now though, you need to let go and take time to heal from this hurt.

Heartbreak not only effects your psych, it is an actual physical pain. When you actually feel the heartache, you are experiencing a "blend of emotional stress and the stress-induced sensations in your chest (muscle tightness, increased heart rate, abnormal stomach activity and shortness of breath)", according to an article in American Scientific. Some people describe it as a dull ache, others as piercing, while still others experience it as a crushing-pressure sensation. The pain can last for a few seconds and then subside, or it can be chronic, hanging over your days and depleting you like just like the pain of a back injury or a migraine. It not only causes actual pain, but many experience other symptoms as well- like insomnia, decreased (or increased) appetite, headaches, nausea and/or vomiting which can lead to dehydration. It raises a plethora of emotional catastrophes, depression, anger, anxiety and a lack of self worth.

There is definitely a thing or two that this type of pain will teach you in this lifetime.

You could actually compare it to learning how to swim. Many fear learning to swim because they have it stuck in their head that they will sink. This limits the body to physically being unable to complete the task of learning how to swim. Fear takes over. Well, if you want to learn to swim, you must learn to both sink and swim. We must make this discovery because without determining how much effort it takes to keep our head afloat, or even understand how it feels to hit rock bottom, we will not truly understand our power to survive in the water.

With that power, we can break away from the past and stop living there mentally. With that power, you can take a step forward to new chapter. With that power, you can swim to the surface and take a much-needed breath of air. With that power, you can remove your thinking from constantly dwelling on the past. You can stop looking at your phone every minute hoping that person texted you. You can stop panicking and stumbling to get to your phone every time it rings, thinking it might be them.

I've read this next statement in a couple of different articles and it makes so much sense. "Dwelling on the past means reading the same chapter over and over again while expecting the ending to change. It’s reopening wounds and presents the ultimate roadblock from moving forward... and life will move forward whether you’re on board with it or not". No matter what we do, time will continue to move clockwise and days will begin to pass. The morning will turn to night and seasons will come and go. Bottom line, time passes with or without our consent. It's so important to your own wellbeing to take steps to let go. It may take some time, but the first step is the willingness to take that step. When you begin to recognize that your special person is not coming back and it’s time to move on, then you are allowing yourself to be ready to accept and welcome a new chapter in life. A new path that God will lead you on. As time goes by, you should recognize that there are beautiful souls all around you that you are probably not even noticing because you are so focused on the person who hurt you.

Here are five important things to remember to help you stop dwelling on the past and to move forward to a better version of you.

  1. God created you, loves you and because He loves you, He gives you free will. A will to make your own choices. A will to be the own author of your life so-to-say...and even though God is our ultimate Author, it's up to you how you choose to live it. You can dwell on your heartache and not move forward, or you can take the first step of letting go, and go where God leads you. It's similar to writing your own life story. Your own autobiography! This book is your whole life up until today. It is of course unfinished because you are still writing it as we speak. Each chapter of this wonderful autobiography tells the story of that particular year. For instance, chapter 5 tells the story of when you started kindergarten, learned how to tie your shoe, learned how to ride a bike. Chapter 14 tells of starting High School, your first crush, sports and dances. Chapter 24 tells of what happened the year you graduated from college, started that new job or perhaps received that awful medical diagnosis. The year 2020 will be a chapter like no other with crazy twists and turn that most wouldn't believe unless they actually lived it!!! But you see, like a novel, each chapter introduces a series of supporting characters and events that will shake up your world. These characters range from family, friends, soul-mates, teachers, and co-workers, all taking on the supporting roles of your life. Now, take a look at this book and see which chapter you are currently dwelling on. What happened during that chapter to shake you to the core so deeply? What happened in that chapter to break your heart in so many tiny pieces? Why do you keep reading that chapter over and over and how many chapters have you written since then? How much attention do you pay to the chapter where you showed tremendous courage to face another day? How about the chapter where your heart hurt but you were certain God was carrying you and that He was always present? How many chapters have you written before that? Now, how many times have you dwelled on that same chapter, the chapter that changed your life, the one you keep going back to, expecting a better ending? You have the power to write yourself into a new chapter of life. A great, positive and heart-warming chapter full of growth, courage and love. But you have to take that step. And keep in mind that taking a step to start a new chapter doesn't mean you are erasing that "one" chapter. It's written in your life story and it's part of who you are. It's a part of your growth and learning. It's shaping your life ahead as we know it. But you must keep writing your story. No one else can write it for you. Keep focused on God and ask Him to lead you in the direction He wants to take you. Fully surrender yourself and watch God take you places you never imagined. All because you took that first step to a new chapter.

  2. Forgive. If you were hurt by someone, forgive them. If you were betrayed, forgive them. Forgiveness is powerful for self-growth and will actually help from dwelling on your past with that person. It will actually lower your stress and anxiety levels in the process. Acknowledge the imperfections we all have as humans and open yourself to grow from them.

  3. You cannot turn the clock back in time, but you can connect the dots by going backwards. Looking back, there will be moments when you realize that things had to unfold the way that they did. You will begin to understand why certain things didn't work and see that perhaps God was protecting you from future hurts. The connection will become clear in due time, but dwelling on the past makes you resist what's in store for you. Trust that God is in full control and give yourself deserved credit for coming as far as you have.

  4. God never wastes a hurt. Everyone has a different story of their hurts. We all have them. But when we focus solely on that hurt- you use all your strength on that chapter and it's honestly exhausting when you're focusing on things that are out of your control. I know that letting go will take time as will it to build and trust again, but the beautiful thing about letting go is that you are making room for new things in your life. Again....letting go does not erase them from your past. But it does let you move on. Change does happen for a reason and sometimes it's resistance that's preventing that reason from manifesting.

  5. As hard as it is to let go, when you do, something wonderful happens. You give God room to work. Have faith that things will work out. Let go just a little and let life happen.

Remember, walking away from you was their decision. You can't keep something that is not yours and you can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to stay. It's like trying to grasp the wind. The main reasoning of resistance on this that I hear is, "True love never gives up, especially when times are hard. I will not give up and I will not let go, I will always be there for her/him". Yes, this is true, very true. And that is always my first statement. True love never gives up! I have said that countless times to so many people! You should try everything you can to make your relationship work. But it takes two to fix it. So if you are the only person that is making an attempt to fix things, then there's a problem. If your significant other is denying all of your suggestions and attempts to make it work, then they have obviously already given up and you are left there just spinning your wheels. Especially if they are already finding (or have already found) someone else.

Think about it though. The piece of your past that no longer fits in your life actually came to you at a time when you were a much different person than who you are today. Are you the same person now that you were eight years ago? No, you are a very different person right now. Your thoughts, views, and outlook on life is different today that it was 8,10,12 years ago. Even one year ago! Who you are now, today, will naturally draw to you exactly the person, and the future that you need right now. Know that, trust in that and step into that in faith. What you need will come to you at exactly the right time for you. Why? Because God's timing is always perfect.

Letting go doesn't happen with just one step. It's a decision that you have to make everyday, over and over again. But no matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize that your struggles changed your life for the better.

And do not think for one minute that God is punishing you, but instead He is preparing you for something else, something better. He loves you enough to remove anyone from your life that doesn’t align with His purpose for you and it’s up to you whether you will trust Him enough to know that this heartbreak, as painful as it is at the moment, is for your best. You will always have Christ who will never leave you or forsake you. That is a promise in the bible. He holds your heart and He will not give yours away to anyone that isn't your "forever". By Christ giving us opportunities to trust Him in the valleys of our life, it increases our faith for the unknown future that lies ahead.

So while this chapter of your life is full of unanswered questions, excuses that don't make any sense, and absolute pain, never's just one chapter.

This is not the end of your story. Every day you get to choose whether you will continue re-reading what happened in the past or turn the page and take a baby step, or perhaps a leap forward into the future with Him. Never forget that it’s okay to take your questions to God. It’s okay to be upset. God doesn’t expect you to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. He can take your questions, your confusion, and your pain.

He wants you to run to Him and hand all of it over to Him. He wants you to let everything that’s on your mind and heart out. He is a loving Father who is there to listen, to comfort, to wipe those tears away and to bring joy, hope, and peace back into your life again. Psalm 34:18 tells us that it is in the hardest moments of your life that He is the closest.

Please do not give up. Please know that the worst endings can lead to the most beautiful beginnings and sometimes the most beautiful and fulfilling chapters of your life will be written following the most broken and painful ones.

Please understand that by taking a step to let go, your broken heart won't heal overnight, but it will be a step towards healing. Your questions will still remain. But today, you can trust that God has a better plan and in time, your tears will dry, your heart will be whole once again and the future will look bright and hopeful because you are confidently walking in it with Him. And if you happen to have a bad day and break down in despair, that's okay! Break down, get up, dust off your knees, take a deep breath, gather yourself and try again.

True fact: God will never leave you brokenhearted and alone to fend for yourself.

Turn to Him when the world seems to be shaking and He will hold you still.

Surrender that person and the future plans you had with her/him and trust that if that wasn’t God’s plan for you then there’s something else He has in store for you because He isn’t finished with you yet. Life will go on. Maybe slowly at first with shaky steps and tears still in your eyes. Maybe even in-between sobs. But one day you will learn to love and trust again, you will have hope and joy again.

Someday, this heartbreak will just be a memory in your past and God may even use it in your future to help someone else going through an unexpected and heartbreaking break up. Someone who can't understand and can't cope. God will use you as a light in their life, as a comforting soul who truly understands what they are going through. He may use you to give them hope for their future. Like I say over and over, God never waste's a hurt.

But for now, for today, keep holding onto Christ and remind yourself of the well-known verse in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope".